When it happens, you feel like you’ve reached the lowest point of your life. Like your heart was ripped out of your chest, an iron fist is squeezing the breath out of your lungs, and slowly the fire of life within you is dying out. That’s exactly how I felt this time last week when reality hit me that the man I loved more than anything, and still do, was no longer a part of my life.
Yes, break ups happen, but this one was nothing like the ones I had endured in the past. For one thing my ego was bruised for a split second. I was normally the one to call it off. Not this time. Instead of being the “dumper” I was the “dumpee”. It hurt, BAD, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry until the pain subsided. It didn’t. Instead I curled up into a ball, cried until I fell asleep, and then cried some more as soon as I opened my eyes to face another day.
A loss, is a loss, is a loss. whether you lost a loved one to death or lost a loved one to a break up. I can honestly say that I’m happy that it was the latter for me. You go through a grieving period, and it ain’t pretty honey. I lost 8 lbs, barely slept, and only went to work one day last week. Well, let me correct myself. I had dental surgery on Friday and was going to miss two days anyway, but took Thursday off because my heart hurt just that much. It was devastating. My mommy and grandmother were just as hurt. Mommy cried, grandmother questioned why, and I continued to hurt because I didn’t have an answer. I did, but it was so unclear.
He wasn’t happy.
“Am I that bad of a person?” was all I could ask myself. I felt like a failure. Like I was never going to successful of an intimate relationship with a man. My track record was already unsuccessful. This was especially hard for me because he was the first man I really opened up to. Even when dating my ex on and off from college I had my guard up. With him , I was an open book. So what is a girl to do now? Go back behind that wall she built up over the years or step over the rubble of this last relationship?
I still feel lost, but on the bright side the grieving period is over. I wish him nothing but love and light in everything he does from this day forward even if it means me not being by his side while doing so.
From this I take some valuable life lessons. I AM capable of loving wholeheartedly. I AM capable of opening up. I AM capable of being true self in a relationship. I just hope that when the right man comes along for me, I can remember all these things I learned from him, apply it to the new relationship, and flourish in ways that allow my new mate and I to be the best couple we can be. I believe it will happen in due time. I believe……..