Heartache

When it happens, you feel like you’ve reached the lowest point of your life. Like your heart was ripped out of your chest, an iron fist is squeezing the breath out of your lungs, and slowly the fire of life within you is dying out. That’s exactly how I felt this time last week when reality hit me that the man I loved more than anything, and still do, was no longer a part of my life.

Yes, break ups happen, but this one was nothing like the ones I had endured in the past. For one thing my ego was bruised for a split second.  I was normally the one to call it off. Not this time. Instead of being the “dumper” I was the “dumpee”. It hurt, BAD, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry until the pain subsided. It didn’t. Instead I curled up into a ball, cried until I fell asleep, and then cried some more as soon as I opened my eyes to face another day.

A loss, is a loss, is a loss. whether you lost a loved one to death or lost a loved one to a break up. I can honestly say that I’m happy that it was the latter for me. You go through a grieving period, and it ain’t pretty honey. I lost 8 lbs, barely slept, and only went to work one day last week. Well, let me correct myself. I had dental surgery on Friday and was going to miss two days anyway, but took Thursday off because my heart hurt just that much. It was devastating. My mommy and grandmother were just as hurt. Mommy cried, grandmother questioned why, and I continued to hurt because I didn’t have an answer. I did, but it was so unclear.

He wasn’t happy.

“Am I that bad of a person?” was all I could ask myself. I felt like a failure. Like I was never going to successful of an intimate relationship with a man. My track record was already unsuccessful. This was especially hard for me because he was the first man I really opened up to. Even when dating my ex on and off from college I had my guard up. With him , I was an open book. So what is a girl to do now? Go back behind that wall she built up over the years or step over the rubble of this last relationship?

I still feel lost, but on the bright side the grieving period is over. I wish him nothing but love and light in everything he does from this day forward even if it means me not being by his side while doing so.

From this I take some valuable life lessons. I AM capable of loving wholeheartedly. I AM capable of opening up. I AM capable of being true self in a relationship. I just hope that when the right man comes along for me, I can remember all these things I learned from him, apply it to the new relationship, and flourish in ways that allow my new mate and I to be the best couple we can be. I believe it will happen in due time. I believe……..

Do me a favor, wouldya?!?!?!

That’s one of those phrases that work my NERVES! It’s like you need me to do something for you but instead of asking you’re sort of telling me. Not “can you do me a favor?” bur “do me a favor, wouldya?!?!” like you have already anticipated that I’m going to say yes. For all I know you could be asking me to sign over the soul of my unborn child, or set my crotch on fire for your own sick pleasure, or wash you dog knowing I’m fatally allergic to pet dander. Ok, so that last one was a stretch of the truth, but you get my drift.

What I want to know is, what happened to polite society? People have become so demanding in this face paced, status updates every .28 seconds, world of ours that no one stops to think about other peoples needs. Now I’m no saint. I have selfishly, on occasion, assumed that if I ask someone for a favor they would jump at the opportunity to do it just because, well, I’m freakin’ AWESOME!!! Ok, maybe not.

But seriously. Stop and think about the last time you cautiously asked someone for a favor with NO expectations? “Favor asking” used to be a shot in the dark. You sometimes had a Plan B, C, D in case the first couple of people you asked weren’t available or just flat out said “no”. Now it’s like “yea, I just asked you to do something morally degrading that might cause you to lose your job/house/pet rock, but I know you’re going to say yes”.

And what about when you’re guilt-ed into doing a favor. Like, if you don’t help this person move their 3 billion ton sofa at 4:52a.m. from a urine soaked back alley in an unsavory part of town, then God will water board all things furry and cute. Those are the absolute WORST favors asked EVER!

I don’t know what possessed me to write this blog for no one has asked me for a favor in quote some time. Maybe I’m going through “irrational, selfish, ‘I already know you’re going to do it, so just say yes'” favor asking withdrawal?!?!? Who knows for sure. But don’t think just because I wrote this that’s is a favor free for all over here. Ask me for a favor, I dare ya. The worst thing I can say is “HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NNNNNNAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Trading places (not for the faint of heart)

Sometimes I wish I could give a man, any man, my uterus for a month or two. They seem to think things like cramps, hormonal changes, and PMS are all things manifested in our minds. I wish they were, but they’re not. Positive thinking, visualizing myself on a beach sipping a daiquiri, all of that doesn’t change the fact that the lining of my uterine wall is shedding. Detaching itself from the scared space that will one day help to nurture and grow a child. But all of that “mind over matter” crap doesn’t always work. No wonder we have a high tolerance for pain. Not just physical pain, but sometimes mental and emotional as well. We put up with a great deal. I think it’s ok to, once a month, be a complete BITCH!!!

If Eve just left that damn apple alone…….

“Love” lessons (bitter sweet memories)….

This is dedicated to those from my past that taught me a thing or two about love, even when I wasn’t really in it….

Mr. Complacency: You taught me to never settle. Had I stuck with you I most likely wouldn’t have accomplished some of the things I have since we were last involved. You also taught me to be domestic: cooking and serving you your meals, washing and folding your clothes. Unfortunately I began to feel like I was being taken for granted. Especially when you would show up to my house with a load of laundry, take it down to the washing machine, come upstairs, throw yourself across the bed and quietly wait for dinner. Oh, and because of always cooking/going out to eat, I ended up fat. You also lacked the drive and ambition I need a partner to have. No desire to finish your degree or get a better job made me doubt myself in some ways. You were content with things, while I was restless. All in all I hope you find someone who doesn’t mind “just being your girlfriend for ten years” and doesn’t mind catering to your every need with minimal reciprocation. She’s out there. Somewhere. She’s probably Southern, HA!!!

From you I learned that life is too short to sit around and wait for something fun to happen. If you do that, you get FAT!!! I also learned that just because you and your significant other go out to eat all the time, doesn’t mean the relationship is cool.

Mr. Gamer/Unemployed: Yo  taught me that stereotypes exist for a reason. I can recall in my late teens/early 20’s saying “I’ll NEVER date a man who lives at home with his momma, doesn’t work, and plays video games all damn day!!!”. I had to swallow my words and pride while I dated you. Days when I would spend my time at work emailing you job leads, and revising your resume, only to return home to find dirty dishes in the sink and you on the couch in your boxers playing “Mafia Wars” made me hot under the collar. Sadly, I was so tired of being “alone” that I tolerated it for a while. Little did I know that during your breaks from vegging out, you were trying to win back the affections of a someone who was playing with your emotions. You even went as far as picking a fight with me late one night so that you can have an excuse to leave, only to hop on a bus up north to help her move. Where was her boyfriend? Why couldn’t he help/ Like a fool I took you back after that. Oh well you live and you learn, right?!? But I see flattery got you nowhere. You don’t have her or me. Question: Did she marry that NYPD copper yet?

From you I learned that you don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. When I was what I thought was lonely, my sanity was actually in tact. I functioned better. I also learned that it’s ok to date someone who isn’t working, as long as they pull their weight in other areas, specifically house cleaning, cooking, and the like. It would have been nice to come home to dinner and clean dishes every once in a while. Plus, you knew where the laundry room was. What gives bro?!?!?!

Mr. Emotional Roller Coaster: You taught me that once you’ve been on a thrilling ride, if you ride it too many times, it’s no longer fun. I’ll admit, I abused the fact that we “knew” each other. Used it as an excuse to let you back in, to keep going back because you were so “familiar”. I tried to act like I could handle the fact that over and over again you had lied to me. “He was young” was my excuse, but as we got older, that excuse was no longer good enough. Eventually it all came to a head. A firm believer of closure, I was shocked at myself for not wanting it. Our ride ended abruptly, and I was at peace with that. The nine years that you occupied my life on and off weren’t in vain though.

From you I learned that love hurts, even when it’s superficial and shallow, but not to give up on future love because of past pain.  I learned that my heart doesn’t have a shelf life when it comes to a certain type of love. There are “no preservatives” when dealing with a manipulator whose words never seemed genuine (you, not me). I also learned that you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. I never could be, would be, the type of woman you wanted. I used to feel bad, but now as I look back, I can’t help but to feel relieved. I absolutely love who I am. Creative. Sometimes spontaneous. NEVER a carbon copy of Susy homemaker, but can play that role when need be. Glad I can finally accept the skin I’m in. Thanks boo ;-)

Lastly……..

Mr. Right (for me at least): You taught me, and are still teaching me, that love is like raw sugar. Pure, sweet, a little coarse at times, yet its unrefined quality holds all the beneficial goodness that only something in it’s most natural state can have. You’re also teaching me not to doubt myself. I want to completely blame my doubts and mistrust on those who came before you, but I can’t. I must take at least half of the responsibility for that because, for whatever reason, I allowed it to happen. With you I feel like I can trust again, open my heart and be vulnerable without fear of being judged or mistreated. This chapter is my favorite so far. It shows promise of a happy ending. There will no doubt be moments of struggle, maybe even pain, but I can say with confidence that we’ll get through all obstacles that may arise. This is a ride I’m looking forward to taking over and over again.

Life is full of lessons. The key is to be able to walk away having learned something. I might sound a little bitter in this entry, but that was not my intention. I’m just frankly stating what I learned from each situation. With the bad there was some good. Unfortunately we often times remember the millions of bad things over the few and far between good ones. In these cases the bad have helped me mature and keep a track record of history that I don’t want to repeat. There’s no rewind button in life.

Sweet release

I can finally take the sigh of relief that I’ve held onto for nearly nine years. Out of curiosity, and genuine concern (okay, and maybe just to be flat-out nosy), I decided to reach out to an ex boyfriend of mine. We had an on and off, rocky, past, but for some reason I wanted to touch base with him to see how he was doing.

The only way for me to get in contact with him was via google chat. I no longer had any of his other contact information mainly because when we finally “ended things” I purged all of that. So, I sent him a simple IM telling him I had thought about him over the weekend (because it was Howard U’s homecoming) and that I hoped all was well for him. You see, last year he had a battle with cancer, so my concern was genuine. Normally when someone pops into my head, or I get a gut feeling, it often means something is going on with that person.

He asked me what was new with me. In response I said things were pretty much the same except for a serious relationship I was now in. He then shared with me that he was engaged with a baby on the way. Surprisingly enough that news made me feel relieved. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. All I could do was smile and think of how excited his mother was because she’s been pressuring him for a grandchild for years.

In true female form I told my closest girlfriends, who know him and the “roller coaster ride” of a relationship we had been in, my mother, and my boyfriend. Some might think that there was no need to tell my boyfriend, but he and I keep the lines of communication completely open. Besides, I had told him about a week ago that I wanted to reach out because I had a “feeling”. He said go for it. My girlfriends where shocked. My mom didn’t believe it . After I told my “sister” that my mom had her doubts, she began to have doubts as well.

It could be because he mentioned all of this AFTER I told him about the seriousness of my relationship. The funny thing is, although he and I used to go tit for tat in the past, I had no desire to share anymore with him regarding how happy I am. Had this been a year ago, I would’ve tried to one up him. See how REAL LOVE heals the heart?

I do wish him the best of luck in all that the future holds for him and truly hope that he is finally happy. I know I am :-)

Hypocrisy at its’ finest.

I used to be the type that would quietly judge and criticize people who feel in love too quickly. My thought process would be “how in the heck do you know for sure you could trust this person?” or “I’m too much of a misanthropist to EVER know for sure if I truly love someone”. Even better “love is for suckers/punks/pussies/weak ass individuals who aren’t secure enough with themselves”. Yea, I was pretty much a full-blown HATER.

I’m not proud of my negative thought process. Although I love my family and close friends, after being in certain situations where I thought loved someone, I doubted that I’d ever really, wholeheartedly, love a person. Love, or being in love, was a game to me. I often said it to a guy after he said it first. Sometimes out of guilt for not feeling it, or just because it seemed to be the next best thing to do, or due to the “fairy tale” image I had painted in my head. Mind you, my mother never read me fairy tales. She felt they painted false images in the minds of young impressionable girls to sit and wait for a knight in shining armor that didn’t exist. Harsh, yes, but honest in many ways.

So here I am, rapidly approaching 30, and I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before. REAL love! Not the kind you see in movies or read about in romance novels. The kind that is challenging, not so idealistic, raw, and unapologetic. It’s strange, and at times uncomfortable for me. Mainly because I’ve never felt so strongly about another person before that wasn’t a relative or close friend. Yet, I’m starting to get the hang of it :-)

The process of me falling in love was pretty quick. The exact swiftness that I would fault others for experiencing. I must admit, my hatred towards these individuals was purely from a place of green, more like light brown, eyed envy. But now I’ve become those people I would criticize.

He was someone I knew for many years. We attended the same university and first met in our Intro to Acting class first semester of freshman year. We weren’t necessarily friends, more like associates. It started with seeing each other for the first time in many years on my last-minute visit to LA. He stopped by the place I was crashing at, and we spoke for maybe ten minutes. In those ten minutes my interest was piqued, and apparently his was as well. In reality I thought nothing of it because I was going back east after all, and was a firm believer that long distance relationships, like love, was for suckers.

Our communication then picked up slightly after my visit to LA. Occasional text messages, comments on Facebook, and the like. It grew to more text messaging and late night endless video chats on Skype (6 hours being the longest stint to date). Eventually we discovered that we had more in common than we thought. They say opposites attract, but having common ground really helps break the ice. Distance is what makes seeing each other nearly impossible though. He lives exactly 40 hours and 24 minutes non stop by car, or 2,682.48 miles away (YES, we calculated).

It then got to a point were we didn’t go a day without communicating in some way. We needed to do something about that, STAT. So I decided to take a trip to see him.  My mother told me I would be nervous once I laid eyes on him in the flesh. But me, being the hard wannabe thug that I am, I denied it. I figured “Meh, we see each other every night via Skype. How/why would I be nervous?”. Sure enough when we finally found each other in passenger pick-up area of LAX, my heart dropped. There, on the curb, we shared our first kiss, and I was certain that this was something real. Something worth working on. Something worth investing time in to build…..

Yep, my mother was right. I was bashful for about 10 minutes. Once I got over it, it was like we’d been around each other for years. The level of comfort I felt with him was much like the level of comfort I feel with my closest girlfriends. Maybe even more.

It’s nice to finally find someone who understands you,. Really knows you. Just GETS  you. With him I can completely let go.  I hate to admit my that mother was right. That I would be nervous when I saw hm. How did she know? Well, apparently she felt that way about my father. Although they’ve been divorced for decades, the love is still there.

She always told me that when the time to find that special someone arrived, it would hit me when I least expected it. It sure as hell did and I’m loving every moment :-)

Half assed apology, from yours truly….

I’m sorry if I’m not enough of an intellectual for you, but you see, I come from a school of thought where life is too short to be taken seriously. While you sit and mope, lose hope over things out of your grasp, I sit and soak in small the blessings. From a lady bug landing in the palm of my hand, to finding a stray daisy growing out of a crack in the concrete, the meat of life to me is simplicity. I love the skin that I’m in, even if it’s not perfect. I love the hair growing from my scalp, even when it’s unruly and won’t sit still. I especially love just being able to………breathe.

So enjoy worrying about the political media machines, corporations that dictate how you should live your life, and pastors telling you right from wrong when all along they don’t practice what the preach. Yea, and I understand those fancy degrees from Ivy leagues make you feel like your a million steps ahead of little old me. But let me say this once, none of that matters because while you stress over superficial mess, I sit back, smile, and enjoy this ride called life.